Tuesday, September 02, 2003

In The News... 

Will It Hit Us?
LONDON, UK -- President Bush, in a joint statement with British Prime Minister Tony Blair, has announced an initial study into a preemptive strike on Asteroid 2003 QQ47. The asteroid has a potential of a direct hit on Earth in March 21st 2014. "We must not allow the universe to unleash this weapon of mass destruction upon the world. Outer space should be disarmed so that it is safe for our exploration and colonization," Bush said in the speech.

The BBC, in an effort to scare Britons into support of the study, broadcast a statement saying the asteroid could have the effect of 20 million Hiroshima atomic bombs. A Dumbozo News Poll show 75 percent of Britions would support a stike on the asteroid. French and German officials have requested that scientists inspect the data and observe the asteroid for 10 years before deciding on striking it. "We should allow the asteroid time to change course before launch a strike on it," said French Prime Minister Jean-Pierre Raffarin.

"President Bush and Prime Minister Blair have decided to present this to the U.N. Security Council for a resolution to support a preemptive strike on the asteroid. Even if it does not pass, they are prepared to go it alone to protect their citizens, " said White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan.

McClellan was asked by Dumbozo News whether this was inspired by a recent visit to the White House by Bruce Willis, star of "Armaggedan", he replied "There is no truth to the rumor that Bruce [Willis] had anything to do with this announcement. We have strong intelligence to suggest that this asteroid is a threat to national security."

Wednesday, August 20, 2003

In The News... 

Good Virus Infects PCs?

REDMOND, WA -- Bill Gates, Chairman of the Board and Chief Software Architect at Microsoft, announced today that its Windows XP Operating System is being delivered on 90% of new computers. Sixty percent of Windows 2000 users have also upgraded to Windows XP. "Our software is now controlling 95% of households around the world, " Gates said to shareholders.

Linux programmer Sam Schneider believes that this 'infection' of the worlds' PCs has caused many slowdowns around the world. "Users need to realize that this is the worst infection of a computer virus in history. McAfee can't stop it, Symantec can't stop it. The only answer is to overwrite it with a less intrusive and faster operating system."

Microsoft Windows Operating Systems have been blamed for many of the Internet's slowdowns, including the recent Blaster virus. It has also been blamed for its "bulkiness" which makes it slow and slows down even the world's fastest computers. "Every year we have to work our butts off to double the speed of processors just to load the new versions of Windows, " said an anonymous engineer at Intel, "We are tired and we want to go home. Why can't they write better software?"

In his address to shareholders, Gates addressed this concern. "We are building on advanced work at Microsoft Research in fields such as machine learning – the design of systems that learn from data and grow smarter over time, " Gates said, "We will develop a system that controls what the user can view and when they can view it. No user shall be spared."

Monday, August 18, 2003

In The News... 

Study: 2 in 37 U.S. Adults Belong In Prison
WASHINGTON, DC -- A study done by the Justice Department's Bureau of Justice Statistics found that 1 in every 37 Americans had been to prison as of December 31, 2001. In another part of the study, Bureau investigators polled 1000 Americans to gauge how many U.S. adults they believed should be in jail. The results, released at a 9:00 a.m. EST news conference, showed that 2 in 37 U.S. adults belonged in prison.

"At every age, men have higher chances of going to prison than women, and blacks and Hispanics have higher chances than whites," statistician Thomas P. Bonczar said in the report.

This was found to be true in the study, with those polled believing that 8.5 percent of U.S. adult males should be in prison. The numbers were higher among minorities than whites, but the statistical difference was insignificant. The respondents also believed that 2.3 percent of all U.S. adult women should be in prison. The average over both sexes, 5.4 percent, was double the number of Americans that had been in jail.

The numbers were also divided among regions and sexes. Women believed strongly that not enough men were in prison. Among men, there was an equal belief that both more men and women needed to be in prison. This was especially true in the Northeast, where most respondents believed that more women needed to be in prison. In the Southeast, very few of the respondents believed women should be in jail. The Midwest, Southwest, Northwest and West Coast areas all felt more men needed to be in prison, but most said they believe that some women should be in prison.

Quote of the Day 

Florida Governor Jeb Bush:
"I'm glad that Gary Coleman lives in California," said Bush, tongue firmly in cheek. "A guy like me that believes in limited government probably would have a tough time against a fellow like that because he probably symbolizes smaller government."

Sunday, August 17, 2003

Entertainment News 

Gigli Bombs, Ben Cheats

HOLLYWOOD, CA -- "Gigli" was removed from theatres today after two straight weeks of poor earnings. The film lost $49 million in its first ten days of release. Dumbozo News set out to interview moviegoers who had seen the film, but we were unable to locate anyone.

Ben Affleck was spotted sneaking out of a viewing of "Gigli" and into "Uptown Girls", which opened this weekend. Moviegoers overheard him tell fiancee Jennifer Lopez he "had to use the bathroom," but he never came back into the theatre. Ben responded to questions about his "Uptown Girls" excursion with "I loved it ['Uptown Girls']. I laughed and cried. If this movie does what 'Gigli' did in its first weekend, it's a hit, you know what I mean?"

Jennifer Lopez did not seem to notice Ben's disappearance as she fell asleep 10 minutes into "Gigli".

Friday, August 15, 2003

Quotes of the Day 

Former U.S. energy secretary Bill Richardson described the United States as a "superpower with a Third World grid."

"Now we understand why they (Americans) have been unable to get the electricity running in Baghdad," said 47-year-old engineer Ghassan Tombin in the Gulf Arab country of Dubai.

In The News... 

Lights Out!
Governors Blame California

SAN DIEGO, CA -- The lights went off on most of the Northeast and Midwest yesterday afternoon as a power grid stretching 9300 square miles shut down. The power began shutting off around 4:10 p.m. EST cutting off power to customers in Toronto, Detroit, New York City and Toledo. President Bush was in San Diego at a fund raiser when the shut down occurred, but was notified immediately that it was not believed to be a terrorist act.

Bush said to his donors, "the system failed, but we believe that the failure was in Canada."

New York Gov. George Pataki and New Jersey Gov. Jim McGreevey disagreed with the President, saying that they believe deregulation in California is to blame. "Power shortages weren't a problem until California allowed power consolidation. They caused the one in 1996 and I am sure someone in or from California is to blame for this." said Gov. Pataki.

Current California Governor Gray Davis has blamed the previous governor Pete Wilson for the problems in 1996, but denies any wrongdoing in this blackout. When asked who he thought was responsible for the blackout Davis said, "I believe this a ploy by the Republicans, especially Rep. Issa and Schwarzenegger, to put a negative light on my governorship. Issa should be ashamed for funding this blackout."

Calls to Rep. Issa's office and Schwarzenegger's campaign office were not returned.

Thursday, August 14, 2003

In The News... 

Alabama Secedes, Nation Rejoices
MONTGOMERY, AL -- "I have no intention of removing the [Ten Commandments] monument," Alabama Supreme Court Chief Justice Roy Moore said at a news conference.

U.S. District Judge Myron Thompson had set an August 20th deadline for the removal of the monument, ruling that it violated the constitution's seperation of church and state.

Alabama Governor Bob Riley has said he supports Moore's statements and has declared Alabama "no longer a member of this oppressive nation."

President Bush has said that he will not ask for Gov. Riley to reconsider the order. In his address at a California fund raiser, Bush said the move was "a fascinating bit of political drama," but followed that with "isn't there, like, a presidential race coming up?".

In Florida and Georgia, several street parties have been planned celebrating the decision. The city of Pensacola, FL, which is near the Alabama border, has planned a weeklong extravaganza entitled "Bye Bye to 'Bama". When asked about the secession, Mayor Fogg said "Our citizens couldn't be happier. Good riddance!"

From The Blogger... 

Reduce Our Dependency
The U.S. Government warned today that gas prices are on the rise again. Our strong dependency on foreign oil has made us pawns of a volatile global market. Mazda, Ford, DaimlerChrysler and Isuzu, as well as others, have offered Ethanol powered vehicles for a number of years now, but where are the stations? Currently there are no refueling stations offering E85 in the big four states: Florida, New York, California and Texas. California, bogged down by an energy shortage a few years ago, should have been the first state to push for E85 stations to supply their thousands of cars.

Research into fuel-cell, hydrogen powered and electric cars continue but our government has not come out as a big supporter of E85. If we are to clean the smog from our cities and make ourselves more self sufficient then we neeed to ask for alternative fuels to be available. Stand up and request alternates to foreign oil!

Wednesday, August 13, 2003

In The News... 

Bush Authorizes the Destruction of All Trees
WASHINGTON, DC -- President Bush has signed an executive order declaring that all trees be cut down to prevent forest fires. Logging industry representatives hailed the move, saying it will create jobs in an otherwise stagnant commercial sector. "Forest-thinning projects make a significant difference about whether or not wildfires will destroy a lot of property," Bush said. "We need to thin our forests in America."

Environmentalists have vowed to fight the order in the courts. Greenpeace has filed for a temporary injuction against the order, but James Connaughton, chairman of the White House Council on Environmental Quality, vowed that the administration would fight any court battle over the new plan.

Incoming EPA chief Mike Leavitt also agreed with Connaughton. "By cutting down all of the trees in the country, we will allow a free flow of pollutants from our cities and allow it to disperse equally over the country and oceans. This will reduce smog in cities and create air that is cleaner over all."

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